They'll never take me alive!

 I was but a child. So young and full of curiosity and a wide-eyed taste for life. The time came when I was to be sent to the Ranch. It was for my own good. Or so I was told. All I knew was that I was going to learn.  I had no idea what was in store for me.
 

I walked through those maroon double doors into the vast building. I encountered long hallways coated with countless rooms.  I was led to my assigned room. There, I was joined with dozens of others my own age. The leaders called us "Stallions". The others seemed to be normal children from my first observations. They laughed and skipped and ran as would any young one. But over time, I began to see a change in certain peers.

 

Many continued to actively play. But there were select few whom reflected a transformation. They went from the monkey bars and slides to huddling together around the picnic tables and sitting in circles under the trees, isolating themselves from the rest. Why did they remove themselves from the pack? What were they doing?

Curiosity festered within me. Though I feared the danger that could be awaiting anyone that boldly dared venture to the small coves. I fought the urge that summoned me. Nevertheless, it got the better of me and I surrendered. I just had to know.

What I found was more terrifying and grotesque than my darkest and most daunting nightmares could have produced.  As I approached them, I could not help but notice their eyes. Their pupils were dilated, they seemed entranced. It was as looking into an empty and endless abyss. Did they even know I was there? Could they see me? What was it that made them this way?? I got closer and I discovered the terror that had these young and naïve souls under their spell.

Ferocious beasts. I saw dragons and snakes and horses that seemed to produce flames. The power these beats had over their victims was horrifying. Their victims were not only hypnotized, but they became physically ill.

 

The sneezing... oh the violent sneezing. It seized their entire bodies in a raging convulsion. It still echoes in my head...

 

 "PikaCHU!!"

 

I had never felt such unadulterated terror. I cursed myself for defying my intuition which had no other motive than to protect me. I felt frozen.  But I could not stay there. They would surely see me if I let a single minute pass by. I had to leave before they had the chance to bind me as they did the others. I subtly backed away as to not be seen, with each step not seeming to get me any further away. 

Then I was caught under their radar.  My  peers were under their control. They were minions of the beasts and they were commanded to attack. I could sense that they thirsted for my blood and my soul. They sought that I should join them. They lurched after me and I felt every fiber within me going in different directions. I felt my flesh burn under their grip and I cried out in anguish. I struggled to loosen their grip but it only made them hold me tighter as the pain intensified. Just as I felt I could not take anymore, I heard loud whistles.

As they rang in my ears, the entranced stallions immediately loosened their grip and fled. The whistles were the signal to call us back inside. It must have been what brought my peers out of their trance. What struck me was that they ran  off as though nothing had happened. I don't think they knew what had happened. I weakly gathered myself and stumbled back to the room. It was astonishing what I saw. My peers eyes. The life was back in them.

But inevitably, once we were let outside again, they were once again summoned by the beasts. I was a bigger target now. But I did not dare to even go near them again.
I could not let them take me hostage, too. I would not and could not give in to the Pokémon. Little did I know that the monsters would spread like wildfire. They were not confined to those grounds. They hid in backpacks, in binders, they even made their way into homes. Nowhere was completely safe.
 

Time pressed on and I worried about those that had been taken hostage by the ravage beasts. I felt sorrow for those who did not escape.  Finally, beacons of light peaked through and they broke those bonds. I had hoped that those beasts would never return....
 

But alas, those wretched fiends crawled out of the abyss and threw their grimy claws and talons around the throat of another un-expectant soul.

I barely escaped them with my life.  Now, they went after someone close to me. They lured in my innocent nephew. He innocently stumbled upon two ancient artifacts and he was bewitched. There was nothing I could do. Before I knew it, those VHS tapes brought them into the house. They were far more bone chilling than my repressed memories would allow me to recall. They savagely soared through the air, targeting their victims. they're crept out of the water onto shores and  they chanted their hexes in a haunting and synchronous manner. It was then I realized, they still live on, all around us.


And I  continue to live in fear.

 

 

 

The Tale of The Holy Ghost Stealing My Insurance Card

And it came to pass, I had plans to see a movie with my good compadre Steven. He identifies as Sven, but some call him Howard. And by some, I mean me.  

 

 "Angi, why do you call him Howard?"

 

Good question reader! Have you seen "What's Up Doc?"

 

If you answered:

"No, I can't say that I've seen that"

 

 oh......awkward......

 

 But if you answered:

"Well duh! of course I've seen it! tis only one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces to ever grace the world with its majestic light and hilarity!

 

Dude, calm down, its just a movie.... anyway, remember how Barbara Streisand decides to call the Character Howard "Steve" for reasons that are never explained?  When I met my Steven, I thought of the movie and asked him if he saw it. When he answered correctly by saying yes and expressed is affection for it, I deemed him worthy and decided to pull the opposite ploy of Barbara and called Steve "Howard" and it just stuck!

 

My dear friend, Howard, works at a movie theater and has been awesome enough to treat me to a few movies and we had plans for an evening at the cinema. I jumped in my car and pressed on to the theater. Now I will admit, I may or may not normally be a little speed demon. I have been lucky to have not been caught at speeds that may or not be labeled "excessive". BUT this time, I was driving at a reasonable speed. 

 

*gasps of shock*

 

I know, I know. weird! But its true boys and girls. Now hush and sit down! I was cruising down the street behind a big ol' mama bear car. Keep in mind, we are on a main road. We are not near a street light, no stop sign, no left turn lane. Just a two way street. Before I could realize what was happening, three red lights appeared that would scare Roxanne off. I did not have ample time to react. I  collided  into the car ahead of me.

 

I sat in shock and the next thing I saw was another little dweeb of a car edge out from behind the car in front of me, make a U-turn, and drive away without a scratch on it. I guess I missed the memo that its okay to slam on your break in busy traffic on a main road so you can make a random U-turn. Just remember little car...karma is a b...belligerent entity.

 

The car ahead of me and I pulled over to the side of the road. I stepped out of my car and saw the bumper of the car I had hit. It wasn't bad! Just a few scratches and itty bitty bump! So I think "maybe my car wont be too banged up either then!" Oh no... My little car was no match and had a dented up hood and quite a bit of internal damage which would be discovered later on. But, thankfully, i walked away without a scratch. That accident could have been disastrous. But since I'm awesome and apparently invincible, all was well! So to that commercial on the radio that asks the question" who's in better shape, you or your car?", you have your answer. My car got totaled, but I'm fine. Just sayin.

 

 After asking if the driver from the other car (who was a sweetheart by the way!) was alright, I went to get my papers so we could exchange information. I opened up my glove box, where i kept my insurance card. But to my dismay, I could not find the card. Anywhere. I didn't freak out at this point because, granted, I did have quite a bit of crap in there. Duct tape, pens, a note pad, floss, glow-in-the-dark starks, a mini deck of cards, a reasonable number of fruit snack packages, a mardi gras necklace, a couple of door handles that had broken off the car (funny story! but for another time kids),  you know, the usual. So I kept looking. I cleaned out the glove compartment completely and it wasn't there.  I then proceeded to look all under the seats, under other junk it could have been hiding under, but there were ain't hide nor hair of it! Blast! 

 

Even though I was without my card, I still summoned my insurance. I did the jingle:

 

*Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!!.....With Hugh Jackman!*

 

When that didn't work and I cried for a good while....(on my own...)....

 

The sheriff showed up and I told him that I didn't have my card. He went off to fill out his paperwork and came back to me with the verdict. I had been in an accident before (whole other story, involving a flattened stop sign... It was like that when I found it?) so I feared what was coming to me. Much to my relief, he told me that he wanted to cut me a break. He was required to give me some sort of citation, but he decided that he was only going to cite me for...wait for it...... being way too sexy. I cannot afford another one of those! I pleaded with him to let me off the hook on that one. I've been trying so hard to hold back. But alas, he was not merciful on that part. He ended up giving me two citations. The 2nd was driving without proof of insurance. *hallelujah chorus* He could have cited me for a number of other expensive citations. But, bless his heart, he cited only me for something that was easily taken care of and erased right off my record with no fees! What a blessing eh??

 

There you have it! The Holy Ghost took my insurance card. I'm purdy positive that my card hasn't left that car. I had been pulled over recently for having expired tags and I had my card at that point. No other explanation! I really was blessed throughout this whole experience. Way more than I deserve!  Good to know HG has my back! Its the simple things.

 

 

 

 

 

An awkward introduction to my blog

And thus I succumb to lure of the composing bandwagon that is blogging. On many occasion, my maternal begetter tried to convince me to start a blog but it never enticed me so I stuck to my one-liner Facebook statuses about food and my vague ambitions of seducing Bob Harper. 

"Well then Angie, what are you doing here?" 

I'm glad you asked internal voice that is putting words in the mouth of the reader who may or may not even be here. I will tell you how this mighty change of heart came about. 

After a long week of work, I voyaged on home for a dedicated night of relaxation and indulging in chocolate. I arrived at the homestead,  slipped into the comfy i-don't-give-a-crap attire, and schlumped on by bed with my lap top. I decided to watch a few YouTube videos to take the edge off my day. I don't drink, so I turn to YouTube videos to watch other people drink, often leading to humiliation and pain and thus leading to my sick and sadistic amusement. The video of this evening was  an interview with child star from classics of my childhood such as Matilda, Mara Wilson! Watching this interview led me down a nostalgic road and brought back fond memories. 

Then I thought to myself..."You know? I think I'll start a blog"
So essentially, I'm starting a blog because I had a passing thought about it and I went with it! You're right. That does not make sense and it is random. But that's Angie for ya. Yes, I do often talk in 3rd person, my thoughts are jumbled, I'm illogical, but what can ya do? It's an Angie thing :)  

You like how I subtly worked in my title right there? ;)